Quite many things has changed from the decades of our parents to ours and so will to be our heirs. Things which were true and culture one time becomes myth and absurd at later times. No thoughts come, new life styles, clear realities and many more. Well what I have written below would match to few and be not everyone, after all, its a learning and suggestions with experience. Few things are my own experience while others are as I understood seeing around.
People living in urban and sub-urban areas thought and day-to-day tasks are total mismatch with the rural. The values of the families in the same geographical location too never match. Leave apart, within a family, the thought process of the sub-family to sub-family match rarely. Yes, we are all human beings with a unique DNA and are supposed to have our own individuality. Yes, we inherit from our parents, our social being, culture and things like that.
I've always heard the two lines most often:
1. Girls life totally change post marriage
2. Boys loose their freedom post marriage
Remember, both guy and girl have voluntarily chosen each other. Well, these two statements are true in their own senses but it can be understood by person who actually experience it. Guys often makes jokes of wives being their monkey-man and handling them. women often make complaints of their in-laws. These are the two other statements which are derivatives of the above two statements. If you ask me how can it be derivative, I don't have direct answer to it.
It's the duty of the guy to support emotionally, protect and defend his wife. At the same time, he should maintain a balance between his responsibility, words and action towards his family as well. Now, this is not an easy job. You have been brought up by your parents and you owe everything to them. You have had maintained relationship with your friends and relatives, talking to them, meeting them, sharing events, etc etc. You loved adventure, being careless, being irresponsible, shouting at family, etc. All these were normal and tolerable until you got married.
Well, all these things change post marriage. You have someone to love you. Someone special and the only person who will stand next to you until your life. Now, your time gets divided. She comes to you leaving her home, her birth memories, her parents, her siblings, her relatives, her place, everything. It's a new life for her and the connection is thru her husband to one and all. It's the husband and her in-laws duty to make her comfortable to the new life with new peoples. Now, the emotions and well beings of the wife depend totally on the husband's behavior and support first and foremost. Both husband and wife would have shared their differences before marriage and everything seemed okay and acceptable. But, after marriage when you actually face all these differences it's very delicate thing to maintain the balance and keep respect for differences while without being different (though you are changed now). Similarly, the in-laws should stop comparing and see the good sides and accept them rather than making their lives in discontent.
Our orthodox society make her say and feel that her home where she was grown up, where she learnt everything, where everyone loves and cares for her has to forget her home and start telling the husband's home as her own. And this sudden change is expected to happen instantly! Now the new family where people start pointing to her for the differences she has, for the things she doesn't know or doesn't know properly. If there's someone in the new family to appreciate her for the new good culture and things that has been brought the life would be easy. But it's rare. Moreover, the husband who if takes side of wife when the wife is right, still his words are taken otherwise by his family. After marriage, he can't even talk loud to his parents or siblings as its thought that he has been trained by his wife even though he is repeating the same words. Yes, he find something new and worthwhile which he want to bring about to change in his own family, but... yes you understood it!
And now when the wife says, she want to her home for a while, the guy becomes upset as how can she call her birth home as home. This is where the husband goes wrong. Or is it really, the husband has gone wrong? The husband always supports his wife and his in-laws in the best ever ways he can. He likes many things about the in-laws but yes there are few things which he doesn't like but he never utters it. On the other side, the wife who tried her best to adjust to the new family has always been questioned with words. Worst part is, her parents are questioned for the differences she has by her in-laws. This is the most hurting thing for her. No child can hear anything against her parents and that's a fact.
Now the husband who has witnessed all these things, understand there are changes that he would to bring about in this family. There are some of the mistreat happening for his wife within his family but he is helpless. Despite of all these, it hurt him when his wife complains of his parents. After all no one can hear against his parents. He has always his parents set an example of how a family is reared. The wife is a sensible person and never utters to the in-laws but she does and evens she should tell to her husband. Now the problem comes, the husband wishes that the wife would come, make sacrifices and try her best to bring about the best changes into everyone. But, she fails and can't enforce for obvious reasons. The husband should understand that when she complains, she doesn't do all of sudden but its after her many efforts which has gone in vain. The husband should understand she is not a complain box but support her as now is the time she expects emotional support from the only pillar of her life. She wants him to defend her but not in a way that would make the relationships within the family ugly. All she wants is acceptance. All she should understand is his husband accepts her the way she is, but conditions apply.
These conditions apply has never been written anywhere is never known to the both partners. Both husband should respect their differences and not hurt self or nor get sad inside and one's emotion affects greatly the others. Stay in touch with your parents and siblings and do the best whatsoever you can do unconditionally. Husband, just understand how painful would it be to get permission to meet her own birth family. Wife, just understand how painful would it be to question his own parents who are his ideals. Maintain your social lives individually and in groups and social life heals you. Yoga, exercise, and keep self in the place of your partner and giving a thought might help. Wife should feel graced to find a caring and helping hand in the husband and appreciate in-laws who push for your career. Never ever escalate your differences and hardships to your parents in relation to differences.
